Order in the Court!
By now, we all know about Louis the Louse’s penchant for getting into “funny trouble.” A naturally nosy man with an outsized curiosity and no inquisitiveness, he is also endowed with a vast built-in arrogance and sense of superiority compared to “those humans.” Louis, the Louse’s world outlook was and is decisively dismissive of others he deems “retarded, intellectually inferior, and still evolving.” Of course, the consummate hypocrite that he is when not scowling and looking at others with barely concealed contempt, he’ll feign respectability and even smile when pretending to “love his fellow man and woman.” I, Abraxas the Knowing, had the unfortunate circumstance of being involved with many of the Louse’s escapades.
So, on this cold winter day, I was at the local Brooklyn Downtown court house as a material witness in a case involving Louis the Louse, and one Shafeek Modi, an East Indian immigrant greengrocer who did business in the East Flatbush section of Brooklyn. Shafeek, a portly middle-aged Indian man with a round jowly face, sued Louis the Louse for damages due to the crashing of sundry fruits and vegetable stands in his store and the resulting losses he incurred.
Louis the Louse was, as usual, dressed in black stove-pipe trousers (the Louse NEVER, EVER wore “pants” that he considered another American stupidity), a white long-sleeved shirt, a black jacket, and a red bow tie. He stroked his goatee beard and occasionally brushed back his greying hair from over his protruding forehead. He had on his usual smirk, a kind of condescending smile on his face, as he looked at a visibly angry Shafeek. The Judge entered the chambers and banged his gavel to start the proceedings. Judge Boseman stammered – a great deal – much to the delight of Louis the Louse, who must have been thinking that this validated his long-held belief that “certain humans were still evolving every day.”
“This cccc-court, vill, vill will come to order!” said the Judge, a smallish, wizened white man who looked comically like a rat with horned-rimmed glasses in a black robe. Louis the Louse looked at the Judge and sniggered. “Wa,wa,wa, what’s sssso funny?” The Judge snapped. “Nothing, nothing…you honor,” the Louse muttered with a smile. “Mr. Modi… yyyou’re suing this man for damages and wrecking your store? How and when did this haa-haa happen?” the Judge said, blinking uncontrollably.
“Zis man is a peek! A dangerous peg! I tell you, your worshipfulness, heez, come to my store to buy fruits. Zen he complains about pears, bananas, and grapes. I tell heem zat de pears, and everything here is ok, and ze little colors EEZ because of transportation. I even cut one pear open. But, ze peeg….” Modi stated. “Now, Mr. Modi…no name-calling in my court, understood? Order! Order!” Judge Boseman snapped as people in the audience started laughing.
“Yes, yes. Thankful your honor worshipfulness….” Modi started as Louse the Louse sniggered again, drawing the Judge’s angry glare. I, Abraxas, the Patient, struggled to contain myself at this circus. How did this man so quickly derail everything he’s involved in? “Your honors, he attacked my son Hamid, a good boy who told him to leave. He…zat man there! I told Hamid how he’s…. how you say? Not too bright? Yes. Harmid wanted to throw him out, and zat’s when zat man bounced into the vegetable stand and everything, everything came crashing down! Then he ran out of the store!” Modi testified, crying and blowing his nose—more laughter in the court.
“Now, now…you need some water?” the Judge asked. Louis the Louse was grinning. “Well, sir…wwwhat have YOU to say for yourself?” Judge Boseman asked The Louse. “He is a fabricator and embellisher. I never turned over his rickety stands. It was that thing…er, a person over there. His own bovine, bow-legged offspring…Look at him! Does the word cow come to mind? I did nothing of the sort that he’s alluding to. The man makes up things. I, Judge, am no crude ruffian as he alleges. He has an adversarial relationship with the truth,” Louis the Louse stated with a little bow to the audience in the court.
“I admire your eloquence, but you have provided no proof…cccan you prove his son turned over the stands?” the Judge asked. Louis the Louse looked to the heavens and rolled his eyes. “Even a daft mud-hen would see the logic in my argument. This is elementary stuff. He – the one other there with the red eyes – was too big and fat to navigate the narrow aisles between the fruit and vegetable stands. So, he kept bumping, clumsily, I might add, into the stands. It’s that simple. Why even a man blind in one eye and can’t see out the next could see that!” the Louse smugly stated.
“You tttthink I’m bbbblind or stupid?” Judge Boseman snapped, now very, very angry at the Louse. “You see? Zat’s how he behaves! Your honorfulness zis man is ze, devil! I would love to wring his little neck…but the law does not allow it!” Modi shouted, interrupting the Judge. “Order! Silence! How dare you interrupt me? There will be no wringing of necks in my court!” the Judge barked, now angry at BOTH the Louse – who stood there smiling sweetly as if he was so innocent, and Mr. Modi.
“Mr. Modi, how much are your damages?” the Judge asked. “560 dollars…American,” Mr. Modi answered to more laughter in the court. “What a dullard, what a set of dolts, dunderheads, and real Neanderthals….” Louis the Louse muttered condescendingly. But Judge Boseman heard him, and now beside himself with anger, he snapped: “You, sir, will pay damages for $2,500 and will not set foot in this man’s store again. And you will spend three days in jail for contempt of court! That is my verdict. This court stands in is recess,” the Judge said without a stutter. Louise the Louise, for the very first time, was lost for words.
and then 