Needling Father John In Heaven and Hell
As we all know, Louis the Louse is a man who thinks very highly of himself. In his warped mind, he is superior to everyone else around him, particularly those he deems “not yet fully evolved.” And when he encountered Father John, a kind-hearted priest who believed in the beauty and virtue of all people, a confrontation was inevitable. The Louse, the arrogant bastard that he is, would never pass up an opportunity to needle the priest. This would be about the third encounter between Father John and Louis the Louse.
Louis swaggered up to Father John, his nose in the air, and delivered his opening gambit. “Hello there, Father. I hear you believe in the inherent goodness of all people?” Father John smiled warmly. “Indeed I do. I believe that every person has the potential to do great things and to spread love and kindness throughout the world.”
The Louse scoffed. “That’s all good, Father, but you must admit that some people are just plain dumb and stupid. They are born that way. It’s not their fault. They’re not capable of contributing anything of value to society. It’s a law of nature thing, you know?” Father John shook his head. “I disagree, Louis. Every person has unique talents and abilities. We must help them realize their potential and use those talents for the greater good.”
Louis tugged at his goatee beard, rolled his eyes, and snorted. “You’re being far too idealistic, Father. You may as well believe in Jack and Jill and the hill. The truth is, some people are just plain worthless. They drain society, and we’d all be better off without them.” Father John frowned, now entirely victim to the Louse’s slick probing. “I’m sorry, Louis, but I can’t agree with that. Every life has value, and every person has the potential to make a positive impact on the world.”
Louis shook his head, smirking delightedly (now he had the priest caught in his mental clutches!): “You’re living in a fantasy world, Father. The truth is, some people are just born losers; others are retarded, er, ahem,
sorry, “intellectually challenged.” It’s not their fault, of course, but it’s also not our responsibility to prop them up and try to make them into something they’re not and will never be.”
Father John sighed. “I’m sorry you feel that way, Louis. But as I said, I have faith in the goodness of all people, and I believe that we can make a positive difference in the lives of those around us.” Louis now had the old priest firmly ensnared in his philosophical web; time to deliver the coup de grace. He sneered and said: “You’re just a naive old man, Father. You have no idea how the world works. I, on the other hand, am used to understanding the foibles of so-called “human beings.”
Father John smiled. “Perhaps you’re right, Louis. But I’d rather be naive and hopeful than bitter and cynical.” Louis glared at Father John, and deep down, he knew he had the priest where he wanted him. Now for the final verbal provocation to drive the old priest into a tizzy.
Louis the Louse’s satirically funny take on Heaven and Hell as fairy tales and myths dressed up as religious fact and why miracles are simply magic by another name, and Father John’s angry reaction to a smirking, condescending Louse made his day. He smiled as he relished in his besting of the priest. Father John’s face had turned red with anger. “How dare you say such a thing! Heaven and Hell are real places, and they represent the ultimate destination of our souls!”
Louis chuckled irritatingly. “Oh, come on, Father. You can’t honestly expect me, endowed with superior intellect and knowledge, to believe that there’s some magical kingdom in the sky where good people go when they die and a fiery pit where bad people are punished for all eternity. It’s all just a bunch of made-up nonsense.” Father John bristled at Louis’ condescending tone. “You’re entitled to your opinion, Louis, but you’re wrong. Heaven and Hell are real, representing the ultimate consequences of our choices in life.”
Louis just shrugged. “Consequences, conSHEquences! Sorry, Father, but I don’t buy it. I think the idea of miracles is just another form of magic, and the whole concept of Heaven and Hell is just a way to scare people into behaving themselves.” Father John was practically sputtering with rage now. “How can you be so blasphemous? Miracles are the result of
divine intervention, the promise of Heaven, and the threat of Hell are meant to guide us towards a life of virtue and goodness.”
But Louis just kept on smirking further, needling the now irate priest. “Sure, Father. Keep telling yourself that. But the truth is religion is just another form of superstition, and miracles are just another form of magic. You can dress it up however you like, but at the end of the day, it’s all just smoke and mirrors.”
Father John shook his head in disbelief. “I can’t believe what I’m hearing. You’re completely blind to the beauty and wonder of the world around us. You’re so focused on your selfish desires that you can’t even see the divine hand at work in our lives.”
Louis laughed out loud. “Sorry, Father, but I prefer to live in the real world. A world where there are no magical kingdoms in the sky, no fiery pits of eternal damnation, and no miracles that defy the laws of nature. It may not be as exciting as your little fairy tales, but at least it’s grounded in reality.” Father John was seething with anger now. “You’re a fool, Louis. A blind, ignorant fool who can’t see the truth right before your face.”
But Louis grinned. “Hey, don’t be too hard on yourself, Father. We all have our little delusions, don’t we? Some people believe in fairy tales and miracles; others believe they’re better than everyone else. It’s all just a matter of perspective.”
Father John just shook his head and walked away, muttering something about the perils of arrogance and ignorance. But Louis grinned, pleased to know that he had punctured the balloon of Father John’s self-righteousness. After all, there’s nothing quite as satisfying as exposing the absurdity of someone else’s beliefs.
and then 