Oh woe is me, the Great Satan, the Prince of Darkness, and the ruler of the underworld (allegedly). I used to be the envy of all, the one who wielded power beyond compare. But now, what am I? A mere shadow of my former self, a forgotten relic of a bygone era. Oh, how I lament my existence! I tell you – Hell sucks – big time. What with a whole bunch of whining, griping and complaining demons. I know now what God goes through every Sunday with the same kind of human hordes! And they choose the day that he’s supposed to be resting to offer up that loud begging, grabby, crying, complaining, needy cacophony.
Hear them: “Dear Lord I need a husband, please cure my mother from cancer, I desperately need that new job at Walmart! Please punish that fat cow Nancy who is humping with my husband…it’s not his fault, she seduced him! My son Jared is smoking weed with his good-for-nothing ram-goat friends. I pray for him every night that you may change his ways…” and on and on and on. I hear them too and they aggravate me – much less him.
At times like these I just don’t want to deal with BOTH these childish beings. That and all the crap I have to stomach about who I am. Why these “good Christian people” spend EVERY Sunday attacking me, blaming me for things, and outdoing each other about how bad and evil I am. They do not even know me! Sure, I can suggest what you should do. Do I make you do something stupid like getting it on with the buxom 21-year old down the street? Did I go and tattle to your bovine wife? Did I whisper to ole Miss Blabbermouth about your hay-humping escapades? Noooo, but I get blamed! The Devil did it! How come I get blame for everything bad, and God gets praise for everything good? So, unfair!
It wasn’t always like this, you know. Once, I was feared and respected, the ultimate embodiment of evil. The mere mention of my name sent shivers down the spines of mortals, and even the angels quaked in their boots. But now, what do they call me? A freakin’ fallen angel, a mere footnote in the pages of history. Technology, the Internet and Facebook and sh*t did that to me. And I did not even create Hell! And don’t get me
started on the Adam and Eve thing. Why do people blame me for Adam’s stupidity? The man got a taste of the “apple” then he goes and blame the woman! What a poor specimen of a human being! You-know-Who definitely was right to kick his sorry butt out of the garden. What a loser, what a disappointment after He made that upright biped in his “own image and likeness.”
I tell you I have to listen to those pesky demons day in and day out, all laughing and going on about how “the Big Man Upstairs” could have done better, and what was I going to do about that and how there is an opportunity to corrupt more people, and how Hell was way too hot nowadays, and it’s all my fault, and how Heaven was better because at least there would be milk, harps and honey…blah, blah, blah. I tell you sometimes I just can’t stand demons!
It’s not fair, I tell you. I did everything I could to maintain my power, to hold on to my throne. I tempted humans with my forbidden fruit, I “allegedly” caused wars and chaos, and I even convinced some of God’s own angels to join me in my rebellion, er, quest. And what did I get in return? Banishment to the depths of Hell. And an eternity of suffering aggravated by these ungrateful demons and other kinds of hellish cretins like ghosts, goblins, Djinns and Succubus. You think the “One Upstairs” has it hard? Everyday these awful Hell Dwellers want to overthrow me and visit more pain on humans.
But it’s not just the banishment that I lament. It’s the fact that I have nothing to do anymore when it comes to humans, besides saving them from some really nasty demons like Pazuzu. He was the one who caused the COVID-91 pandemic. I also heard him complaining to Azazel – an equally nasty guy that I can’t believe I made – about “how things are not like they used to be…and just look at how so few people died, only about a million, and how he’s fed up with Hell.” What a piece of horse manure! I really hate him. I used to be the master of deception, the prince of lies. I reveled in the suffering and misery of others, but now I’m stuck down here in the depths of Hell, with nothing to do but torture the damned souls that come my way. It’s a thankless job, let me tell you.
And what’s worse, I’m constantly overshadowed by that goody-two-shoes God. I mean, really, how am I supposed to compete with a being that’s
all-knowing, all-powerful, and all-loving? It’s like trying to fight a battle with one arm tied behind my back. It’s just not fair! But you know what the worst part of it is? It’s the fact that I’m not even evil anymore (wink, wink, wink!). Sure, I might have been evil once, but now I’m just a misunderstood figure, a victim of circumstance.
So, what’s the point of it all? Why do I even bother existing? I might as well just give up, go away, and leave this miserable existence behind. But then, what would become of all the poor souls that depend on me for their torment and suffering? Like politicians and greedy corporate people. No, I guess I’m stuck here, in the depths of Hell, forever and ever. Oh, woe is me, the great Satan, the once-powerful ruler of the underworld. PLEASE NOTE: That demonic scumbag, Azazel, wants my throne. I’m going to have to kill him – someday.
and then 