Soliloquy of a Lying Politician


I am John Timultanus Drexler, better known as “Drexler the Dissimulator.” That’s another word for liar. I am a politician, and I love lying. It’s like a hobby to me, passing the time when I’m not counting my campaign cash or smilingly kissing snotty-nosed, pee-smelling babies, puking, letting off flatulence, and making out as if I love the always-dribbling, goo-gooing little critters…Ugh! Anyway, there’s nothing quite like the rush of making up a story on the spot, watching people believe it, swallow it – hook, line, and sinker. It’s like I have this magical power to control the minds of my constituents, to make them believe anything and EVERYTHING I say.

And why shouldn’t they believe me? After all, I’m a slick politician. I must be telling the truth, right? F**king Wrong! The sad truth is that, like me, most politicians are chronic, bold-faced, lying MOFOs. We lie about our policies, backgrounds, intentions, and opponents. We lie about everything – all the goddamn time. And yet, the people keep voting for us, over and over again. It’s like they EXPECT us to lie to them, and they can’t function (or have a Facebook meme that goes viral) if we do not do it.

They’re under some spell, a collective delusion that we’re working for their benefit. It’s pretty amusing, in a sick sort of way. We tell them we will lower taxes even though we know we will raise them. We tell them we will create jobs, even though we know we will send them overseas. We tell them we’re going to Make America Great Again (MAGA), even though we know we’re making it worse – we’re quite literally going to, I mean, f**k things up. Period. What a bunch of morons! What a bunch of buffoons! What a stack of idiots and imbeciles who believe all this horse crap!

And the people eat it up. They clap, cheer, wave their little USA flags, and vote for us. At sports stadiums, they shout USA! USA!

USA! As if we are some stupid group of patriots! They believe every word we say, whether outlandish, absurd, or contradictory. We could tell them that the moon is made of green cheese, and they’d believe it. They’re sheep, dumb, driven, and blindly following us wherever we lead them. (BTW, I HATE sheep!)

But, LoL, who can blame them? They’re not all that bright, to begin with. They’re positively dumb! #DumbStupidPeople But I can’t say that in public. So, I lie to them and tell them how informed, meaningful, and politically savvy they are! And how we value their inputs. They watch reality TV, post pictures of their food on Instagram, and believe everything they read on Facebook. Brother! They’re not precisely critical thinkers. They’re like whiney, snotty children, easily influenced by shiny objects and colorful words. They’re the perfect audience for politicians like me. Maybe I should send them coloring books and crayons this Christmas?!

And so, we continue to lie to them. We tell them climate change is a hoax, despite the overwhelming evidence and science. We tell them vaccines cause Autism, even though the scientific consensus says otherwise. We tell them that immigrants are stealing their jobs, even though the economy is far more complex than that. We tell them anything we want, and they believe it.

We live in an alternate reality where facts don’t matter, and the truth is whatever we say it is. So, we make the s**t up on the fly! We can say one thing today and the opposite tomorrow, and no one will call us out on it. We can deny saying something even if recorded on tape, and people will believe us. We can insult our opponents, spread conspiracy theories, and even incite violence, and people will still vote for us.

It’s pretty remarkable when you come to think of it. We’re not just lying to them; we’re insulting their intelligence, dignity, and humanity. We’re treating them like ignorant fools, and they’re letting us do it; get away with it. It’s a sad state of affairs but also funny.

Who wouldn’t laugh at a system where lying is the expected norm, procedure, and modus operandi? And the people who believe these lies are the ones who suffer the consequences? It’s like a comedy of errors, but nothing funny about it. We’re destroying democracy, society, and the planet, all for the sake of power and greed. Yep. Money is the “mother’s milk” of politics, and we love to lie to the people and tell them that “your contribution(s) is about protecting democracy.” Who the hell is so stupid as to believe that nonsense? Answer? You, er, “you the people.”

At least we’re having fun. If we keep lying and people keep believing, we can keep playing this game forever. We can keep making promises we have no intention of keeping, we can keep ignoring the real issues that affect people’s daily lives, and we can keep “hoodwinking and bamboozling” the masses (Malcolm X said this, but I can claim it’s me saying it. Nobody will know!). After all, I’m a politician. Lying is my stock in trade! It’s what I do – really, really good!


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